😂

Anytime someone walks into the public bathroom on the phone and I’m in the shitter, I start making loud farting, grunting and choking noises.

Fuck you, get off the phone in a public bathroom you uncouth douche nozzle!

we’re in this mess bc everybody likes gasolina

what if we kissed under the mushroom cloud

HEY GUYS IT TURNS OUT AN 88 KEY DIGITAL PIANO WITH FULLY WEIGHTED HAMMER ACTION KEYS IS REALLY KINDA HEAVY

I wish somebody would quarantine me

just opened a pistachio expecting to get a nut, but nope. nothing. so i get it ladies

I think I scarred my dentist today. He said open up, and well, I have a lot of issues. After hearing about my childhood, learned they meant my mouth...

Wichita doesn’t sound like a city it sounds like the noise hillbillies make when they do karate moves.

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated-- I was just resting my eyes for a really long time.

Realizing there hasn't been any audio coming from your headphones in an hour but you're still enjoying the sound dampening

Once again, I need you all to please understand that the health care system is beyond stressed right now. It is awful. The overwhelming majority of us are trying our best under increasingly impossible conditions. Please be kind.

I start every job interview off by patting down the interviewer to make sure they aren't wearing a wire.

a man in an orange shirt is wearing green gloves with the words hulk sad written on them ALT: a man in an orange shirt is wearing green gloves with the words hulk sad written on them

I’d need a basement first.

Why are there no laundry chutes anymore. Who signed off on this? I demand answers

schrödinger’s strait of hormuz

It can be any year you want it to be if you're dressed for it.

A snow-covered woodland path in my backyard, lined with trees heavy with fresh snowfall. In the background, my two dogs, Tallulah and Baloo, happily run toward the camera through the snow.

“At least it’s pretty,” I say for the billionth time, waiting for spring while winter keeps gaslighting me.

When I get a new follower.

Oooowwwwww…I feel good…

Ignore me, that shrimp burrito was better than I expected.

Poking you like we’re on Facebook in the mid 2000’s.

*cosmic tap on the shoulder*

Speak for yourself my dude, my sad boy shit also comes with Spanish fly.

a bright red japanese camellia is opening amidst green leaves

#bloomscrolling #photography #camellia

replacing my teeth with marbles and then opening and closing my jaw over and over to hear the nice clacking sound

if politicians can get paid for not doing their jobs, why can’t the rest of us

Hey chat. If I still have hope then you can too

Them: why are you writing all over the walls?

me: read the room, asshole

decided not to read the room today bc I’m not into horror