Thank fucking God it's just another T.A.C.O. Tuesday.

This is like the Cuban Missle Crisis, but stupider.

Is the rest of the world wondering if America's smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud?

Hey, at least nobody had to have a beer with Al Gore, right?

How them egg prices doing?

Hey have you tried the Free-to-Play app set in the parking structure at The Grove? It's called "Clash of Entitlements". #LAtraffic #roadrage

Pro tip:
You won't appear to be bulking up so quickly if you weigh yourself on a logarithmic scale.

Dear Every Airline:

I would GLADLY pay extra to board a no-screaming-toddlers flight.

Sincerely,

George's hangover

You know who would be a good Columbo?

Steve Buscemi.

Did that kid who posted that thing ever get a million likes so his sister would name her baby Megatron?

Starting now I'm putting only positivity into the world -

you know, just in case that lame, dumb ass idea works any better than treating abject idiots with with common decency.

"Everything that happens follows something that happened before it." - some Zen crap I made up while teaching improv

Y’all are acting like you’ve never seen a 79 year-old sexual predator wake up on Easter Morning, snort some Adderall and insult the world’s 2 billion Muslims while threatening war crimes against a country he illegally attacked to distract you from ‘Epstein Files’ before?

. . .and the Nobel Peace Prize committee ISN’T knocking down his door, you say? Hmph.

This is who runs this account

Comparing Easter messages

Happy Western Easter, ya heretical heathen horde!

Dear Guy in Line At Bank w Middle Finger Tatoo on Skull:

The full breadth of human experience is no longer open to you.

Sincerely,
Concerned

Dear Concerned:

Please see skull tatoo.

Sincerely,
Guy in Line At Bank w Middle Finger Tatoo on Skull

Add food to a movie title:

Lord of the Ring Pops

Add food to a movie title:

Moonpieraker

Add food to a movie title:

Star Crunch Wars

Have any EVER passed this test...?

TV journalists work all their lives to get on TV when they could’ve just taken a shortcut like me and led police on a high speed chase.

Hm. 45 min left to kill in Columbus - not enough time to start a doomed comedy franchise, but too much time to start a doomed comedy franchise.

My new script is about a Columbia professor who decides to quit and become a porn critic. It's called "Please don't date the easies!"

Meat is murder. . .
and produce is espionage.

When are people going to stop the game where they pretend that Trump isn’t severely mentally unfit? Because I’m really ready for it to be over

more like Pam Gone-di, amiright?!