He was the perfect man – then I smelled his Guinness farts It became harder and harder to make small talk.

Lucky escape for Brodie*

*name has been changed

Network Rail wants my shed, says neighbour of new station "We can’t understand why they are taking so much of our garden to put a fence up"

Wasn't it Dylan Thomas that famously said 'do not go gentle into the night. rage RAGE against the taking of the shed'

Farmer faces gridlock as utilities prepare to lay pylons and pipes over his land A farmer at Ardleigh, near Manningtree, Essex, is facing the prospect of years of disruption and chaos as pipes and pylons are laid across his land

He’s having a good (oh-ho!) WINE about it!!!!1

Retired nurse sticks cartoon eyes on historic gardens - 'I wanted to put a smile on people's faces' A retired nurse gave Eastbourne’s Carpet Gardens a makeover to ‘put a smile on people’s faces’.

Nice Things and/or Local Character KLAXON

The 'pirate boat' left stranded after city centre canal suddenly drains again A stretch of the Rochdale Canal in Manchester city centre suddenly drained last week - the second time in six months

Avast ye!

We’re not really helping, are we?

A moment that changed me: I saw a big cat on Dartmoor – and no one believed me Larger than any dog, let alone a house cat, the beast swaggered through the Dartmoor mist. My schoolfriends and I were entranced – until the adults who had slept through everything told us we were lyi...

Cat.

VERY. INTENSE.

Wexford clown fears he will have to quit performing after 35 years due to rising costs – ‘Keeping that life alive is so important’ A Wexford clown fears he may have to stop performing due to rising costs if he is unable to secure the new Basic Income for Arts scheme (BIA).

He’s making it sound like it’s a bad thing.

Mum complains as passport prices rise to over £100 for first time An Oxfordshire mum has complained as passport prices have risen to over £100 this week for the first time ever.

This is such an intense compoface that I immediately assumed it was terrible AI. No, it is just very intense compoface.

'I will not be using Sandbanks ferry anymore due to job cuts' I have used the Sandbanks ferry crossing for almost 50 years.

Vows never to return and cash is king and also taking a 25 mile drive each to stick it to them. That’s the spirit.

Incredible.

Family home sees brick wall damaged by wind after Storm Dave hits South Tyneside Storm Dave brought havoc for at least one South Tyneside resident who discovered a wall blown down in his back lane

One for @apiln.bsky.social here. some exceptional pointing going on. I'm not even mentioning what is being worn.

www.shieldsgazette.com/news/family-...

Headline: BOY GETS FINGER STUCK IN BUCKET. Next to: A photo of Hyacinth Bucket rolling her eyes.

The finest cut-and-shut Photoshop job I ever did.

Advertisement The Gift You Desire Struggling to receive the Holy Spirit? Discover why setbacks can become supernatural breakthroughs. Explore the Journey. Picture as described.

The AI prompt for this was “Dave Grohl out off of The Foo Fighters with a bird growing out of his forehead”.

Cadbury confirms Easter eggs policy as customer says 'what the hell' A retail worker complained after opening her Easter egg

Fun-size chocolate bars are the greatest lie of our modern age. I will not be taking questions.

Grass growing fast after rain CRAWLEY: Council staff are having to work Saturdays to keep the town's grass trim. Heavy rainfall has meant grass is growing very quickly and the council's street scene team is working extra hours to keep up. Staff were out with the council's new £18,000 mowers last week, cutting grass in Broadfield, Bewbush and Gossops Green.

Shocking if true.

'I'm a British Donald Trump impersonator - I've been spat at for supporting him' Former postman Paul Cross, 64, opened a Donald Trump themed bar last year

Oh mate, you absolute wardrobe.

Police update as probe into The Range poo on shelf incident continues Thames Valley Police has said that its probe into the poo on the shelf incident in the Oxfordshire town is ongoing as it releases an update.

Range Poo Bandit update.

Express headline 7 April 2015: Great tits no guarantee of success in the bedroom, says Prince Charles. Standfirst reads: Prince Charles stepped into a row over the mass slaughter of migratory British songbirds - including great tits and nightingales - in countries where they are said to be 'natural Viagra'

Well, if it’s 7 April, it must be 11 years since His Gracious Majesty, via the medium of the Daily Express, gave us this headline

“OK wait. I can explain everything”

Pontarlier. Il tombe nez-à-nez avec un lynx et sa proie entre les crocs Un conducteur a été le spectateur d'une scène rare dans les alentours de Pontarlier. Il a pu observer un lynx qui se déplaçait avec son imposante proie, un brocard fraîchement tué.

Meanwhile in France, man comes face-to-face with cat bringing a dead animal home for its owner, probably.

www.estrepublicain.fr/insolite/202...

'Fobbed off' Cornwall customer still chasing National Grid storm pay-out Adam's family were without power for five days as Storm Goretti devastated Cornwall three months ago - and he reckons others who are worse-off are suffering from the 'blanket excuse to withhold the mo...

Power cut compoface.

Student fined for littering after Gloucestershire Echo KFC story - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage Owner of discarded bag full of fried chicken came forward after newspaper's appeal

And good news! They fined a student for his reckless act of (oh-ho!) FRY TIPPING!!!!!!1

www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/2016/news/st...

Devastating scenes in Cheltenham after someone drops entire KFC meal on the floor A senseless tragedy.

Alas, the story disappeared when the Echo was swallowed by Gloucestershire Live, but thank God for other titles and their relentless search for clicks.

metro.co.uk/2016/04/07/d...

Gloucestershire Echo: Entire KFC feast of fried chicken breasts and fries strewn across Cheltenham pavement this morning. Picture shows a KFC meal on the pavement.

Happy tenth anniversary of the Great Cheltenham Dropped KFC disaster. Everyone remembers where they were when they first heard about it, and it was the first in a series of cursèd takeaway food incidents in the town, which left residents quivering in fear.

Dans les quartiers nord de Marseille, les motards en colère font la chasse aux nids-de-poule Dans les quartiers nord de Marseille, les motards en colère font la chasse aux nids-de-poule

We don’t do “People putting things in potholes” stories, but there’s a pressure group called the French Federation of Angry Motorcyclists and they can do what they like as far as we’re concerned.

Guilty looking cat.

Ron is back, in cat form.

Picture of a crime scene in Sheffield. There is a guilty looking cat in the foreground.

Nasty business in Sheffield, but this is one perfectly timed photo.

Ham & High CREPERIE UNDER THREAT OVER £13K BILL.

Hampstead. Checks out.