Donald Trump is threatening to destroy a "whole civilization… never to be brought back again," but at least Merrick Garland kept his investigation from looking too political.

Face it, MAGA, if your president's name weren't all over the Epstein files, they would have been released unredacted, printed, and bound in $500 special editions signed by Trump, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson and James Woods, and tattooed on Laura Loomer's ass.

Jesus: "I rose from the dead after three days and I still don't believe Donald Trump's ear could heal that quickly."

If he died today, it would be the greatest thing that ever happened on Easter.

Has anything ever looked less holy than Donald and Melania Trump standing in a church?

Dear Pam Bondi,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Warmest regards,
Me

P.S. Ha ha ha fuck you.

There are a lot of countries that allow birthright citizenship, but there is only one stupid enough to make you president.

BELOW: Donald Trump, who plans to attend Supreme Court arguments on birthright citizenship, reminding Justice Kavanaugh that rapists stick together.

Is Kristi Noem going to shoot these puppies?

During this difficult time, please show as much compassion to Kristi Noem as she has shown to people of color.

At this point, Donald Trump is more likely to have a degenerative disease named after him than a ballroom.

Melania Trump did this to the White House rose garden so her husband couldn't bury her there.

According to a rumor I just started, Lauren Boebert is quitting Congress to spend more time with her son's parole officer.

SELF-CARE TIP: If you're not Rob Schneider, remind yourself that at least you're not Rob Schneider.

Schools were not forcing kids to have transgender surgery.

Babies were not being aborted after they were born.

Migrants were not crossing the border to vote for Kamala Harris.

Donald Trump is a pathological liar and, if you believed this shit, you are a pathological dumbass.

BELOW: How Chicago feels about kings.

Before there were No Kings protests, there was a Yes Kings riot.

UNFUN FACT: Even if the Treasury Department printed Donald Trump's name on every bill for the next three years it wouldn't be as many times as it appears in the Epstein files.

Don't walk, run like fuck toward the light.

"This is exactly what I voted for." - MAGA who's about to lose their job, their house, their healthcare, and their Social Security

Republicans are in charge of the Senate.

Republicans are in charge of the House.

Republicans are in charge of the Presidency.

Republicans are in charge of the Supreme Court.

Republicans are to blame for everything.

Okay, you can put your masks back on.

"Frankly, I thought [the stock market] was going to go down much more. It's a big chess game at a very high level. It's very high-level chess. The highest. And I'm dealing with very smart players." - Donald Trump, who doesn't even know how the horsey piece moves

PREDICTION: Donald Trump's grave will be the world's busiest gender neutral bathroom.

Billionaires have always been this evil, but they haven't always been this mid.

BREAKING: Attacks on energy infrastructure in the Middle East have caused the price of oil to skyrocket to a whopping Donald Trump raped children per barrel.

BELOW: The face you make when being Netanyahu's bitch isn't any better than being Putin's bitch.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE GRASS I NEED HELP GETTING SOME SHIPS THROUGH THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ

In response to the Melania documentary's Oscar snub, MAGA actors Scott Baio, James Woods, Roseanne Barr, Kevin Sorbo, Tim Allen, Kristy Swanson, Randy Quaid, Dennis Quaid, Dean Cain, and Rob Schneider have offered to give the first lady their Academy Awards if they ever win them.

"Alexa, show me the last person you'd want in charge of the military during a war?"