Unclear Where Girlfriend Keeps Making All These Friends CINCINNATI—Unable to provide an explanation for the woman’s rich social life, area man Jason Hellerman told reporters Tuesday that it was unclear where his girlfriend, Jess Mikkel, kept making all the...

“Jess definitely knows Sarah from work and Kim from book club, but other than that, it’s a mystery where her friends are coming from,” said Jason Hellerman

Pete Hegseth Laid On Side For Cabinet Meeting WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep his airways clear while his colleagues discussed foreign policy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was laid on his side for a Cabinet meeting Friday, according to ...

“Hey, Scott [Bessent], could you grab us a couple towels to support his head and soak up some of the piss?” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio

Samantha Irizarry and Isaac Porter The couple were wed Saturday in a ceremony attended by both of their future spouses.

Global Tetrahedron: Infinite Growth Forever T-Shirt

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Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit

Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit theonion.com/anti-chewing-tobacco-act...

Snob Doesn’t Think Audiobook Counts As Real Porn

Snob Doesn’t Think Audiobook Counts As Real Porn

Unclear Where Girlfriend Keeps Making All These Friends

Unclear Where Girlfriend Keeps Making All These Friends theonion.com/unclear-where-girlfriend...

Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window

Artemis II Astronaut Decapitated By Telephone Pole After Sticking Head Out Window

Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupil’s Mom

Bari Weiss Attempts To Boost Ratings By Kidnapping Tony Dokoupil’s Mom theonion.com/bari-weiss-attempts-to-b...

Pete Hegseth Laid On Side For Cabinet Meeting Pentagon Chief Positioned To Prevent Aspiration Of Vomit

Pete Hegseth Laid On Side For Cabinet Meeting theonion.com/pete-hegseth-laid-on-sid...

Dad Turns Up Skyrizi Commercial

Dad Turns Up Skyrizi Commercial

Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly

Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly theonion.com/attempt-to-recreate-incr...

Critics Outraged By Flippant School Shooting Plotline In ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’ NEW YORK—Describing the new film’s narrative choices as recklessly exploitative given the current climate, critics blasted The Super Mario Galaxy Movie in reviews last week for its flippant school sho...

“This is a painful, deeply difficult topic, and one that deserved more than the deliberate provocation of showing Princess Rosalina doing target practice in the Gusty Gardens Galaxy to take revenge on her classmates,” wrote IndieWire film critic Andrew Wreden

Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum WASHINGTON—Threatening to continue issuing threats if the Islamic Republic did not quickly agree to his demands, President Donald Trump warned Iran on Monday to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath ...

“Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons later,” the commander in chief wrote on Truth Social

340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise WASHINGTON—In a tragic accident the Pentagon confirmed was currently under internal investigation, 340 million Americans were killed Tuesday in the course of a botched military training exercise. Acco...

“While conducting operations intended to enhance the peacekeeping skills of our troops, a simple target acquisition error regrettably ended in the deaths of over 99.9% of Americans,” said Maj. Gen. Curtis D. Taylor

This perfect Tudor, which is walking distance from downtown and boasts plenty of space, will go to someone who bid exactly $7.34 more than you. Reference #582374

Real Estate: Guess You Should’ve Made Your Coffee At Home

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Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment

Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment theonion.com/alcohol-unfairly-blamed-...

NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040

NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040 theonion.com/nasa-announces-plan-to-p...

“Well, if democracy is so worried it can always buy more followers.” Zara Okonkwo, Seam Inspector

Social Media Users Sour On Democracy theonion.com/social-media-users-sour-...

Critics Outraged By Flippant School Shooting Plotline In ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’

Critics Outraged By Flippant School Shooting Plotline In ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’ theonion.com/critics-outraged-by-flip...

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“I wouldn’t want to be unemployed in this attorney general job market.” Molly Yeats, Circus Accountant

Pam Bondi Fired As Attorney General theonion.com/pam-bondi-fired-as-attor...

Art Thief Leaves Behind Tacky Jeff Koons Piece

Art Thief Leaves Behind Tacky Jeff Koons Piece

340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise U.S. Military Mishap Annihilates Nation

340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise theonion.com/340-million-americans-ki...

Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project

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Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut Here are the requirements candidates must meet to qualify for NASA’s astronaut program:

Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut

Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already

Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already theonion.com/serial-killer-could-have...

Even Trump Unsure How Rambling Speech On Iran Veered Off Into Ranking The ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’ Films WASHINGTON—As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly beca...

Even Trump Unsure How Rambling Speech On Iran Veered Off Into Ranking The ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’ Films

Anonymous Hero Donates Hospital 200 Human Kidneys